Domestic Violence and Parential Alienation Syndrome, brainwashed-What to do as a parent my child's father is alienating
78Parental Alienation Syndrome
Parental Alienation Syndrome or PAS is when one parent alienates there child against another parent. The child is often brainwashed into thinking the other parent is the enemy. It is done most of the time in child custody disputes. In my case my sons father has brainwashed him into thinking I am the enemy. He tells my son any negative things he can think off. He has taught my son if he don't get what he wants to just say mommy or his step daddy hit him. My son also protects his father at all costs. In court he told the children's law guardian the children do not want to see me and they are scared of me, which I know this to be the other way around. The children say things there father wants because they are very scared of him. I can remember when I was in the same situation, but my children have no choice, they can not just leave.
There are 3 stages of Parental Alienation Syndrome and mine is stage 3, the most severe. My son often expresses hatred towards me, when he first gets to my home, and no ability to see any good in me because his father has him so convinced there is none, he has called me every name in the book, has often stated he hates me and does not ever want to see me with no regret about how he treats me, when he doesn't get his way. This behavior often settles down the longer he spends time with me. So many nights I cry because my son shares his fathers cause about what a bad person I am. Ive had a lot of issues, when Dillon is in trouble he says I will just say, "you hit me". My son will also say, "prove it", when my daughter tells me there father is always drunk and drives drunk with them in the car, almost wrecking it with them in it. She was so scared, she had to sleep in my room and cried her self to sleep. Its so hard on me, I am the one who wants to protect them, but how can I when I have to also follow the law. I wish he would have to go through the hurt he is putting them through when he is scarring them so bad.
There father was and still is a severe alcoholic and abuser, when I left him, I went into a woman's shelter. I left my kids dad when my son was about 6 and I was pregnant for my daughter. I went into a shelter because he abused me for years and I had finally had enough. My son Dillon saw so much, and I feared he would grow up to be the same way. There father was arrested for assault, custodial interference, harassment and stalking. I was so scared to leave him because when I tried he would threaten me I would never see my children ever again, and he would have his whole family in on his games. His mother had even went after custody on one occasion because she wanted to try to make sure one of them got custody. My biggest fear was loosing my children, but i finally decided I had to leave there father or I was going to loose my daughter. I was pregnant and the stress he was putting me through sent me into labor 3 times, starting at 4 months. The doctor told me it was either stay with him or loose my daughter. I finally chose to leave!
My children's father threatened me that if I was to ever leave, he would make my life a living hell till he got our children, which he eventually did. I truly believe he only uses the children to cause pain and suffering to me. In the past 5 years after I left, there father, and his family has called CYS at least 50 times, and made up anything and everything he could, things so heartbreaking I can't go into detail. The last time, My son told CYS that his mommy takes drugs. His father brainwashed him into thinking prescriptions I take out of my bottles were illigal and that his step-father hit him all the time, by the way, he NEVER had a mark on his body, my son later appoligized stating, "he was just mad at the time". New York family court ordered me to take a hair follicle test and awarded him temperary custody. When the test came back everything was negative, the judge wouldn't allow it into evidence, although it was court ordered. It seemed that anything that showed me innocent they would not allow. I felt helpless. I currently always make sure if I am taking a tylonol or a prescription infront of my children, I show them the bottle and let them read it, because it scares me they will think its something illegal again.
I kept having to go to court over and over and in the end he was awarded custody. I believe it was because he had them for so long and the court papers also stated he had them into sports which he pulled my son out of shortley after court. I was going to court for about a year before the judge rendered his decision in the end.
The last year has been the worst year of my entire life. When my son doesn't get his way I am threatened with, "I will just say you hit me". There father often threatens me, if i don't do what he says he will call the police, when I am doing nothing wrong. My daughter cry's every time she has to leave and resents her brother, and father for the lies they have made up. She always says its his fault i can't live with mommy for the lies he told for there father. When my daughter tells me whats going on at there fathers house, Dillon states, "prove it". My daughter had informed me when her father returns home from the bar she has often overheard there father talking about what he can do to me next with my son.
I have spent thousands in the last year having to go to court so many times. There father doesn't realize hes hurting more than just me. The children should not be forced to chose sides or know anything about are court hearings. Every time I pick the children up my son tells me what his father informed him about what happened in court, like hes an adult. There father also tells my son such things as, mommy said your doing bad in school, as to try to make him mad at me, although he was told by the judge not to talk about any court hearings.
I don't blame my son for the way he acts because I know this is the way he is being taught how to behave. I also see his father in him when he hits his sister, which worries me greatly. All I can do is try to steer him in the right direction. I can't count how many times I have told him not to hit girls, but he don't listen because its a learned behavior, seeing his father do it.
I have spent so much on my attorney fees, but I am hoping and praying to god everything in the end will work out and eventually I can come up with enough funds to take him back to court and prove he is alienating my children against me because PAS has been recognized in NY courts.
http://www.wivb.com/dpp/news/crime/Police-say-man-charged-with-DWI-after-domestic-incident
This is the same man who abused me. The female there where talking about is his new wife...
I have also filed for custody....
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PAS should be delved with seriously. Thanks for publishing your story. It helps a lot. I hope program, program pducers on television will feature it.
I have been dealing with DHR for awhile. They are the worst at spreading lies. They gossip and slander your name while you try defend yourself. When they can't get what they want they just put the blame on someone else and claim that they were "just looking out for the children."
Oh Margie, How I feel your pain but just remember when they grow up they do eventually realize what is happening if not before....
Hi, I feel your pain also , I pray all you get all the love and admiration you deserve. But also now I can finally put a title to what i have been through over the past 18yrs. My ex said the same, If you leave i will make your life a living hell. He put a cushion on my face to smother me when I objected to threesomes, and naughty phone calls. Muffled I tried to scream to the boys who were in their beds .. They never came out. Too scared..I tilted my head back and then to the side.To breath. I said, wot are you doing.? He felt remorse. Another time when I became ill with Insulin Dependant Diabetic and when I had difficulty walking due to poor health and magnesium def. All I got was go inside Mum you look like a spastic. (Realized it was ex's words)Normal kids will, grab you by the hand and help you to a seat. This is an example of seeing only bad. It was my fault for getting sick & giving them worry. Pitty sympathy or care was void. Holidays were always with Dad as I had boys mon to friday. I did all the hard year long yards and he got the fun holidays. My first Christmas without my sons was horrible when ex had a girlfriend who couldnt take holidays any other time. The boys missed seeing Me, Uncle Aunties Grandparents , all so he could cause grief for me and others. It was planned they will bus back to have dinner with other parent. It didnt happen and I ached and cryed the whole horrible day. Easter, Christmas Mothers days his Nonna and he will be first. Even if I asked well in advance. Game changed if he was sick though. Another hurt was a couple of years ago when, son I thought was old enought to not to be manipulated. It was a long weekend and it was my Birthday. The eldest son was at Rotto with his father. He lied to me, saying he wasnt with his father. My girlfriend saw him and told me. When I question. He said I cant help if your birthday is on a longweekend i needed to get away. He could have sent card flowers and a sorry cannot make it. It hurts the boys so bad, for there future relationships with women. If only the vengeful ex could put the kids first before his own hate. And allow them to naturally love their Mother. They are older but what is learned from young has formed a habbit now. I still see my eldest son, when he visits and tries to fault find. Hugs are mechanical and held back a little. Last years Christmas at my Sisters place relies said, they never knew I had two sons. That really hit home how often i am without my boys. One son attended. This year the boys invited me for Christmas lunch for a nice turnaround. Ex had xmas breakfast first. Had my boyfriends family over and when the boys met them and saw how loving the children were towards me. Shed a new light on learning I am NOT enemy..The look of approval was quite a nice change. Girlfriend once got angry at how badly they treat me , when she wish her mum was half as nice as me. I hear the fathers words not the beautiful boys I love. Just as I was groomed brainwashed and programmed to give him all he wanted. He has groomed my boys. How do we as Alienated Parents fix the damage? Especially when they are constantly taught Father is right Dont listen to MUM. She is crazy or idiot. When the boys havent had contract for awhile I can talk and they listen. But they are so different when they come back from fathers. He hammers them to submission till he gets what he want. Take care everyone and thank you
Hello; I feel your pain. I had to sit and watch my husband (and the children, of course) suffer because of PAS. I have made it a mission to raise awareness. People just have no idea what PAS is that needs to change ASAP.
I wish you the very best. Hang in there...
xx
Kez
the mother of my children was a victim of Parential Alienation. She never got help for the abuse she suffered as a child from her Dad and Step-Mother. She has not spoken to her real mother for over 7 years because of a minor disagreement.
Now when she decided she no longer wanted me in her life lets just say she thought she new all the tricks. She was convinced she would keep the house, all the possessions, 100% of my income, and she wouldn't have to share time with our children.
It took time for me to figure things out.
Time with the children is all that matters. Keep asking everyone, "Don't children benefit by having both parents in their life?"
You don't have to prove anything the other parent is trying to do. It will just make you look as bad as them.
Children are bright, the know who is who. Spend your time with them being positive, there is no need to let any of the negative parts of there lives exist in your presences.
You simply be happy and show your kids a heathy attitude and they will soon learn to stand up to anything that isn't heathy in their lives.
Always show the judges positive, why time with you is important for your children.
Let all the negative and vile come from somewhere else.
Also be prepared when you learn how this positive thing works the other parent will go to even farther extremes because they are no longer getting their way. Pay no attention to their actions.
Just your time with your children is what matters. Fill it with love, fun, happiness.
keep your head up and keep faith i felt the same way going through this divorce in the beginning. But all i can say is stay strong and keep faith i've had my husband and his family to coaxing my oldest to keep quite about things that go on at his house. But once things turn around and your turn will come you will finally feel relief and see the sun come out. praying for you
pauline
Me too. I know I will. He is wrong for what he does and a judge will eventually see that. I hope.
Very, very sorry to hear your situation. I know it must be devestating to have the affection of your children literally stolen away. Children are resilient, tho. Over time, if you keep taking the high road and not engaging in mud slinging, I pray your kids will come to realize the truth about you and their dad. My son wasn't quite as bad as you are describing, but I know my ex filled his head with negative ideas about me. Eventually, he grew up to the point where he could make up his own mind and recognize the truth.
My prayers are with you. I hope you get your kids back! MM
All I can hope for is that one day it will.
I actually have a case right now where the other side is citing PAS as a changed condition to modify the custody order. In my case the charge lacks factual and legal merit, but it caused me to delve into this theory. It is amazing what two grown adults will do to each other after the love has left. For the record, most Courts today do not recognize this yet, but it is gaining momentum and soon will be recognized as part of the totality of the circumstances when making child custody order. It is only not recognized by Courts right now, but the science absolutely supports it.
Sorry that it has happened to you.
My son at times shows so much hatred towards me because of this, its so heartbreaking for me to see the anger that comes from him. Its almost like its his father staring back at me.
That must be one of the most horrible things that could ever happen to you. It is also severe child abuse. They could not grow up healthy if they had to live their whole childhood that way. I am so sorry. I hope things work out quickly for you.
I know what you are talking about. I dont like to talk about what my children says about me to them. There was a point where he had my children so scared of me and i did nothing wrong. I felt so horrible.
PAS is absolutely horrible. I have been through it big time. I can't bring myself to say what went on but it was the worst possible things you could tell a child about their parent. It has taken 15 years to partially mend the relationship with my child. Thank you for writing this Hub. This subject needs to be talked about.
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After reading your story it is so close to mine except my children don't even come to my place even though the courts say I do get them. Because of who his family is the judge will not even back up what he puts down in blk and white. No matter how many times we o to court I always get the same judge. There is nothing here in my state that will help parents like us but if I was not paying child support there would be many things for them to do to me. I know nothing about my children and I have to spend many hours trying to find things out every week. If I would win the lottery I would 1st say on national TV something about PAS so parents like us get the word out. I pray for all of us. Level 3 is no fun and it not only killing me but my entire family.
Kenna Kane 2 months ago
I know exactly how you feel. The thing that keeps me going is that I keep all the documents from court and one day I will show them to my daughter and the father will be the one missing out on her life!